How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
