Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
