my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
