Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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