I'm really into asian looking animals
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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