My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
