just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
