I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You may now shotgun with the bride
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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