That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
