we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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