We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
