I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
