I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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