Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
