They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
