TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
