don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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