I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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