White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
