i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
