Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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