Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You took a bar mat shot.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think my moral compass just broke
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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