Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
