No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
