I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
