Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
