When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
