Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
