Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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