just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
