I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
