No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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