you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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