they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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