is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
