What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
