I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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