I want to have your abortion
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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