life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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