Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
