the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
