I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
