there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
