the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
