she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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