The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
