yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
