she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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