Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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