Apparently you make a good broom.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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