There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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